How It All Began: My Origin Story
Where do witches come from?
I never really thought to ask this question. I guess I always just assumed that witches were born, not made. I must have missed that part in The Wizard Of Oz where they explained the evolutionary science of the witch. All I know is, as of today, I’m not green (yet).
I’ve always been fascinated by people’s origin stories. The series of events, decisions, and synchronicities that led them to their predestined path. Specifically, the exact moment when they consciously realized they were actually walking their path, not just floating towards it unknowingly by some invisible hand of the divine. The difference between the two approaches is comparable to swimming: the first, moving gracefully with the current with ease; the second, chaotically floundering in the rapids desperately trying to swim upstream in the opposite direction. I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong way to go through life…in fact, there is only the way, your way, which is likely an alternating mix of both smooth sailing and unexpected turbulence. However, knowing where the hell you’re going and why makes a big difference when you’re trying to navigate yourself through life.
In the spiritual community, you hear a lot about “awakenings” that seem to be time-stamped down to the day. There was life pre-awakening, and life post-awakening, and the rest is history I guess. One day their life was headed in one direction, and the next it’s completely flipped upside down because a Spirit Guide told them to move to the jungles of Peru, join the shamans, facilitate plant medicine ceremonies and dance naked under the moonlight. Hurray.
No shade to anyone who experienced that kind of awakening. I’m secretly just a little bit jealous. I often fantasize about how nice it must be to have your path laid out for you. Regardless of vocation, spiritual or mundane, some people just intrinsically have that inner knowing that fuels their calling. Maybe certain souls just don’t have any time to waste, so they come out of the womb ready to spring into action. To each their own. But enough about those people. I’m actually here to tell you that this is fundamentally not my story. Far from it. On the complete opposite end of the spectrum from God speaking instructions at me through a megaphone, the illumination of my path has been more akin to the slow burn of a tapered candle in the dark.
As long as we eventually get where we’re going, I don’t believe that the “how” really matters, whether we stumble upon our calling accidentally or we show up early with bells on. Ultimately, our soul is the one calling the shots, so who are we, with our limited human perception, to criticize the plan? Sometimes you just have to let life happen and trust that it will all make sense at some point. Maybe now, maybe on your death bed. Hopefully somewhere in the middle of that timeline things will begin to click.
Personally, I think the biggest stumbling block in finding our calling is that we rarely see ourselves clearly. I spent the better part of my 20s deconditioning from everything I thought I was supposed to be and everything I thought I was supposed to do. My interest and study of tarot and astrology was always running parallel to everything else. As a kid I was obsessed with mundane astrology, immediately jumping straight to the horoscope section of every Teen Vogue that crossed my path. As superficial and glossy as it may have been back then, something about it resonated as true, and I wanted to know why.
For the record, I was always a “why” kid. I was constantly asking questions and wanted answers for everything. In retrospect, my perpetual curiosity is probably the reason that the occult became so appealing. My brain loves puzzles, and the art of astrology really is just putting planetary puzzle pieces together to see the bigger picture. Tarot is similar, with even more mystery and riddles involved. It never gets boring. In fact, it only seems to get more and more interesting with time. For someone like me who likes to keep their brain busy, it’s the perfect fit for a lifelong learner. I digress…
Okay, back to my origin story. So the thing about both Tarot and astrology is that you can’t just wake up one day and decide to do it. You can’t just buy a Tarot deck and then go pro. There is a lot to learn and a ton of study involved before you even know what you’re looking at, let alone are able to provide any useful information to others that isn’t absolute nonsense or a plain old shot in the dark. So needless to say, Tarot started out as a hobby. One that I really enjoyed. I bought a deck one day and started learning. Nothing particularly noteworthy there.
Meanwhile, in my public life, fresh out of University, I had this big vision of being a corporate queen. HA! This is so funny to me now and you’ll see why as my biography continues, but at the time I had the smarts, the skills, and the ambition to do well in whatever arena I wanted. I had a dream of working downtown in a big high-rise office and making a difference. I envisioned a glamorous life of stilettos and pencil skirts. Props to my younger self for bringing that much passion and gusto (and style) to her career. Little did she know that she was focusing it all in the wrong place. So, naturally, the Universe intervened.
I ended up temping at a construction company and bouncing around some different roles until I finally landed (happily) in the marketing department. This was the first nudge from the Universe saying, “you’re a good writer. You should write.”. And so I did. I actually got really good at it and found a nice little professional niche. I learned what I needed to learn there until it was time for the next quantum leap. Eventually I started my own business as a consultant and learned the ropes of entrepreneurship. This definitely wasn’t easy, but it was fun. Frankly, I don’t think entrepreneurship is for everyone, and in many ways I was not ready for it at that time in my life. This whole experience was really just an exercise in discovering what I did and didn’t like about my work, how I was doing it, and where it was leading me.
When my Saturn return hit, I took everything back to the drawing board. Some things were working, others were not, but I was really proud of myself for the risks I had taken up until that point. Entrepreneurship takes balls and unless you’ve tried it, most people will never understand the courage, agility, and confidence it takes. I got comfortable with being uncomfortable, and as such, the idea of pivoting at any point in time felt way less scary, which—surprise!—continued to come in handy.
Then the next big defining moment—I joined a country band. You read that right. A country band. Another nudge from the Universe. “You’re creative. You need to make art.”. As much as I loved every second of this cowgirl era, it spurred a much larger ego death and identity shift that I was very resistant to. I had a really hard time acknowledging myself as an artist because it had never even occurred to me that I would ever publicly be known for my artistic talents (which, not to brag, but there are many). I was still in girlboss mode, swimming upstream, despite the strong Universal current that was desperately trying to move me in the other direction. A new version of me was emerging while an old one was dissolving, and I was simultaneously floating dazed and confused somewhere in the middle.
When I finally came to terms with who I was becoming, I had yet another epiphany. This one actually came to me in the form of a sudden download where it felt like God actually picked up the megaphone and spoke to me. “You love Tarot, you love writing, and you’re an artist. You should create your own Tarot deck.”
Now this is where my story finally starts to make sense (and it only took a decade).
Up until recently, everything in my life just sort of felt like a stepping stone and I could never figure out why. I never felt fully settled or satisfied with where I was because deep down I knew that none of those phases were *it*. I was always in transition. I had done some cool things, but I still hadn’t found my proverbial calling. For the longest time, I assumed it was because I had missed the boat when I was 22 that my high powered corporate career path had slipped through my fingertips. Turns out that it was the biggest blessing in disguise and it took me years to realize it. They say that rejection is God’s protection—and that couldn’t be more true, at least for me.
As of today, I am a writer, an artist, a tarot reader, and a spiritual entrepreneur. Every single step that I took to get here, whether I knew it at the time or not, was so instrumental to creating this present moment, that if any part of my life formula had been changed, even just one bit, I probably wouldn’t have ended up here. And to think that for so long I genuinely thought that life was passing me by, that I had somehow been left behind. Boy, was I wrong. Turns out, life was setting me up perfectly in the most graceful, divine timing—I just couldn’t see how.
Looking back, I believe that the true purpose of my 20s was to learn to let go and trust the process. To surrender to a higher power and a divine intelligence that is so unimaginably perfect, we can’t even fathom the depth of it’s creativity, because most of the time to us, the creation process looks a lot like chaos. But just like the stars, or my tarot cards, puzzle pieces don’t make sense when they’re scattered on the table or viewed in isolation. It’s only when they slowly start to come together that they tell a story where you can actually see the bigger picture unfolding.
So here I am in my 30s, still completely blind to where I’m going, but at least someone finally turned the lights on so I can actually see the road ahead. I’m finally swimming with the current rather than against it, and let me tell you, it’s a welcome change. My 20s taught me faith, and how to find calm in the chaos. In the grand scheme of things, I guess that’s all you really need to know, no matter what path you’re meant to walk in this lifetime. I am humbled to admit that the Universe is infinitely more clever and creative than I am, and I’m no longer here to micromanage the methods or the timing or the delivery. I know now that all I have to do is put in my order and let the Universe take care of the rest. It really is that simple. I don’t always have to know the “why”. There is a time and a place to embrace the unknown and just go with it, and that’s where I’m currently at—leaving some room for the Universe to surprise me during the making of the Creatrice.